As I sit here imagining just how inappropriately a Thursday could go, I’m reminded of our meeting with HR and the company lawyers — invited to answer questions as we learned about sexual harassment and how not to do it.  The rules are far more extensive and restrictive than “good touch / bad touch” and “please refrain from molesting your subordinates.”  The hardest for me to define is: “If a co-worker sees someone doing something and is offended by it thusly, they may sue for being sexually harassed.”    

This particular meeting can be simplified to what I consider “liability panties.”  (Must be performed to cover the company’s ass).  But let’s wonder together, shall we, about what offends?  Should HR, under the guidance of our corporate lawyers hand out a questionnaire with boxes to check listing potentially offensive acts?  How many votes equal “offensive?”  One?  Over 50%? 

Sample scenario 1:  “You see a manager slap the buttocks of their immediate subordinate.” with a gradient scale of 1 - 10, one being not offended at all and 10 being really, really super offended.  Is 5 “indifferent?”  Or is 5 “don’t know?”

Would you want more details?  Is the hiney smacking a reward for a job well done?  Or a "Go get 'em!" act of confidence instillation? 

Sample scenario 2:  “You witness two employees enter a broom closet together.  Giggling ensues.”  Gradient scale again.  Would you want more details?   

What’s an HR exercise without a role playing exercise?  Volunteers?  We’re all going to sit on our hands, right?  Except, because we worked through 500 different bland, but slightly titillating compounding scenarios leaving us a little uncomfortable in our seats, maybe we’ve already played through this mentally.  Maybe we’ve already fully imagined what it would feel like to be fucking on the conference table while our colleagues look on with their identical clipboards and identical pens.    My legs as wide as they’ll go, a foot in front of Lawyer # 1, the other braced on the chest of our boss my ass to the edge of the middle of the fine mahogany while you slowly thrust in and out, as we make squishy wet noises in the jaw dropped silence of this particular role playing exercise. 

Questions as I smooth my hair and you re-tuck your button down: 

1.  Were you offended by that?  1 - 10. 

2.  If so, why?  Please be as detailed and specific as possible in your answer.  In a rectangular box one inch by seven and a half inches to accommodate the margins on the questionnaire, will those in the room list the act of being forced to watch their colleagues fuck?  You can’t un-see that. Or would it be in the details:  I’m a bit fleshy and you have gray chest hair?  Or that we are both married to other people?  Or the wet squishy noises?  Or that we identify as straight and white and don’t represent the diversity that the next HR with lawyers meeting will address.  How will anyone know specifics of what is exactly offensive? 

Or, should we just play it safe and legal and just assume everything is offensive to someone.  

Except on Thursdays.